Im 14840 Ive now removed myself from the news cycle quit a seven figure job and have exited the US in an attempt to strip years of residue that Ive built up over decades in effect Im working to reduce myself back to who I was as a kid before I began pretending I was pretending because thats what I thought was needed to fit into a world where money was the primary focus my primary focus I successfully pulled off the act for many years because with much persistence I became a great actor but it was taxing and eventually became toxic I started to believe my own lies I was sad and addressed my sadness in many unhealthy ways which I referred to as “fun” I was leading myself farther away from who I was all in the name of becoming this idea I needed to change I was selfish outside of my close friends my posture to the entire world was “what are you doing for me” in my view, everyone (my job, my family, my city, my girl) was to blame for my unhappiness embarrassingly I lacked the self awareness to realize that the world was reflecting the energy that I put into it I was blinded by judgement reserving the harshest critiques for myself I saw my race my upbringing my absent father my lack of whatever as disadvantages in my quest for perfection without appreciating that all that I had been through as fundamental to the man I had become good or bad, my life experience is a blessing I forgave myself for not being “perfect” which took the pressure off I could stop pretending stop critiquing and start loving myself again and I forgave the world around me its imperfection was again rich and beautiful like that, my eyes were reopened I could again approach every interaction from a place of generosity, which immediately felt like my natural state Im now unhinged and light and on my way to becoming a kid again.
Nathaniel Mary Quinn